Visions of self

I got bored. So I decided to put up another post. This time I tell about two dreams and glimpses of others. All concerning how I see myself in the dreams. 

When one grows up his dream self of rather vision of self changes with it. In my dreams the nature of the dreams also changed drastically. I had heaps of nightmares in my younger days. I was weak. I was small. Always facing unyielding and impossible adversary to beat. Leaving only option to try and flee. Fleeing wasn't successful most of the times. Since I was mostly seeing adversaries in confined or small space. One example is one short dream.

Confined space:

I'm in a room. My room with a shut door. In the middle of the room is a big, yellow and round table of my child statures chest high. On the other side of the table stands in strange curling and wide posture a creature witch I recognize as a witch. Clad all in black and long thin arms with long sharp nails coming out of her jet black veil. Only thing to be seen besides her arms is the lower face with bend long nose with moles. As I gaze this terrifying creature and fear starts to grasp my heart, witch bounces to run around the table after me. I bounced to run around the table in fear too. after running few rounds around I was on verge of crying. Fear came even stronger when I noticed how the table was getting smaller all the time, and the witch could already nearly take a hold of me over the table. Then the witch proceed to grab the table and toss it to the wall. I screamed of fear as the witch got her hands on me as I woke up from the terror.

I haven't got the smallest clue what I was even afraid as a child besides few fears I've yet to overcome. It's funny how one can't recall all the fears of childhood. At least those that didn't smear ones soul with traumatizing experiences that person carries pretty much their whole life. Remembering them even after decades and decades. Even if one cannot even recall happening itself. 

As I grew my dream self grew with me. But it also overgrew me in some positions. After learning a bit of psychology in one or two courses. I came to realize what those changes where. I sometimes saw myself as my empowered and optimum self. As a super ego. This dream was about me wrestling with a werewolf in our cottage while my uncle was watching and being ripped beyond recognition if not the face. I recall that dream different cause I was taller and more muscular than I'm in real life. I get some empowering dreams sometimes, but in nightmares I'm always in my "own body" or something smaller.

Sometimes you can see yourself from third person perspective even. Then you might lose control of "your body". It's like you are in a game where you smoothly change camera angles as needed or narrated. It doesn't even feel that bizarre watching yourself from another perspective. Witch is really really odd. 

Sometimes I encounter other sides of myself. That is highly bizarre. Can you imagine talking to your other side that thinks about things from another perspective or something like that. 

The choice:

I encountered my "evil" side in one dream. I felt that I was in a hurry somewhere. Then short thin evil side came to tell me with his pale and freckly face while wearing glasses that I need to choose how to get where I'm going. I was in empty crossroad with only him to see in several hundred meters. He asked "Do you want to walk?" I didn't response so he lifted his hand to point at a direction of one road while asking "Do you need a bike" I turned to look at the direction he pointed to see a cyclist that was breathing heavily while coming my way. I immediately understood that he wanted me to steal it. I didn't respond and though to myself that bicycle was too slow. Then evil me turned his hand and asked "Do you need a car?" As a black Volvo V70 steered next to us and stopped to the lights. I had already deduced I was dreaming. So I was lucid and though not of nothing more, since it didn't matter no more. I went to the car and opened the door and forced the suit wearing driver to leave the car by holding his around 4 year old daughter as a hostage. Now I was on my way to someway I was supposed to go. The dream ended. 

I believe the only reason I still remember that dream was because of two reasons. Firstly being lucid I'm lucid in many dreams, but more of that some other post. Second is the choice I took. I'm guessing my "moral self" won't let this decision slide and let me forget it. Guess I can't have "fun" in dreams when my conscience keeps guilt tripping me about it for years to come. Am I too righteous person or to let these things slide even in after dream or something else. I can't really tell myself. Though I would love to have real conversation between my other sides. Like the talks of id, ego and super ego in Stephen King Black tower saga.

That had some text in it. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much I enjoyed writing it.

Living in the dream or Dreaming of the living.

Today I had the strangest occurrence. I went to a place where I had never been before and remember being inside of a dream. It's one of those déjà vu moments people have maybe few times in their lives. Though it was just ordinary shopping moment to get some food from market. Though I'm in a strange town that I haven't explored to any decent degree. The dream was about me doing crimes and escaping police and fitting in as a clerk as police continued fruitless pursuit. I had to live the hard life of market worker for a while. Listening to old lady bickering about potatoes and whatnot. Carrying stuff to places and so fort. Nothing really interesting. 

The case I mentioned is the rare case of dreaming about something you haven't seen. You might have seen something similar and your brain glorifies the dream to look like something else. This is one possible reason you get these experiences. Other is that you have used your imagination to create place that actually exist in real life. These are far rarer occurrence than the next one though.

I have dreamed several times about my childhood home. For three months after moving out I saw dreams about that house for three to four times a week. This was clearly a withdrawal symptom or a protest to such huge change in life. That was because I wasn't mentally prepared to such huge change at the time. My thoughts rounded about stability and not changing my life drastically. That is to make everything familiar and stable. I was probably in dire need of comfy corner to curl in safety. 

People differ greatly in their need of stability in their lives. Do they need stable lives, stable income, stable health, stable environment or just constant supply of adoration to stay sane. What stops us breaking under pressure and ever changing circumstances of our lives when our parents tried just to apply as much stability in our lives as possible. I keep coming to conclusions of people that are on the other ends of the spectrum in this scale of stability in their lives. Those who didn't have easy lives given by their parents either break or become strong. Those who did are usually just arrogant and entitled or just lost after all the pampering ends. This is heavy stereotypicalization, I know. But they are stereotypes for a reason. Next is dream time.

Something wrong:

I wake up in my bed and come to the kitchen. I feel like it's a week day and vaguely glance the room. My whole family is there reading paper, eating food and glancing out of the window. Then I think something is wrong. I look at the time on oven clock. It's past half day. After sudden realization that this is wrong, my family all turn their stares at me. As I think to myself "They are supposed to be working right now." Everything fades to black. 

I wake up in my bed and come to the kitchen. I'm alone in the kitchen looking out of the window. Clock shows it's 10.30 am. I feel again that something is wrong. Then I notice I can't have slept that long. Then I take good hard look out of the window looking for something wrong in the picture. I find something wrong with the sky and it's colour. Everything fades to black.

I wake up in my bed and come to the kitchen. My mother is there. It's half eight in the morning. I don't find anything wrong here, and start preparing for school like always. I get ready and step out of the door as my mother comes to say goodbye to the porch. For some reason she isn't feeling well. I ask what is wrong. Then so starts to polymorph to the grey humanoid with close appearance to Modo from "Biker mouse from the Mars". I try to get inside, close the door and hide, but all in vain. The door comes out of it's hinges, and won't fit to the frame anymore. The polymorph is complete, and I just stand there gasping for air.

I wake up. I don't know if I'm still in my dreams or not. So I have to check several things to know I'm awake, since I still think this might be continue of the dream. I do all my morning routines. Then I get to checking reality. I stare at the clock. Does it change numbers? I look at the sky. Does it look eerie? Lastly I pinch my cheek really hard and finally deduce I'm awake from loop of dreams I had.

This is it for the second post I have made with no picture this time. Dream about you next time. 

Vivified Dreams starting point

Some though about dreams and where they come from.

What brings about dreams? All those things driven to our subconscious. All those things done and seen through the day. All those things though though the day. Many things affect our dreams. 

"If you stress about it, you dream about it." That is what makes most points of our dreams. Last is our own imagination. My largest dream creating part seems to be my imagination. Imagination can be enchanted getting other people creations to give you more ideas. My imagination grew with books, movies, other peoples stories and video games.

This blog will be about my dreams, my interpretation of those dreams and random things that intertwines dreams and reality together. Some of my dreams are old, some are new and some are patched when my memory makes holes in them. Everyone don't dream, and everyone don't remember them. My problem is fading memory of them, if I don't start actively recalling them right after waking up. I will also be using this blog as a place to improve my usage of GIMP and drawing. 

Let's start with really old scary one. One of the oldest dreams I recall. Possibly because it was a nightmare. What else would one recall from years away.

Picture of the scary thing in the box

Scary boxes:

I'm at the left backseat of a sedan type car. Car is driving forward while I stare out of the window. There is pretty much nothing to see. Visibility is low thanks to grey mist and on the left is muddy greenish water. I don't know where the car is going at the speed of about 40 km/h. 

Car approaches T-junction and passes without slowing. As the car passes the junction I see a 10 meter tall pile of sparsely planked wooden boxes and two white evil eyes staring between planks of one box. Everything inside those boxes is black since there is no real light. 

Straight after passing the pile of boxes I turn to look out the rear window. The fear starts to grasp my heart as a yellow 10 meter tall and at least 15 long alien from TMNT starts running towards the car. I take hold of the drivers seat and lean forward to put my head between seats to tell driver to put pedal to the metal. To my horror there is no driver and the car starts to slow down. Car comes to a halt after 15 meters and as fear grasps my mind the alien doesn't waste time. It takes a firm hold of left backseat door with it's bigger than the door hand and rips it of the car. 

This comes to me as a starting signal and I jump out of the car and dive to the muddy water on the left side of car. After 15 seconds of submerged dive I decide to put my head out of the water to see if the monstrosity still follows after me. I slowly lift my head above the water as I come to realize to have arrived in somewhere else. All around me is just same muddy water, eerie grey dead trees standing in the water and one covered black plastic pipe coming from water next to me. Land is nowhere to be seen. I'm left pondering where I'm supposed swim to find land as the nightmare ends.

This was one of the longest remembered nightmares I remember even after decade. I think it's a prime example of not acknowledged fears of a child. At the time I didn't feel fear towards those meatball aliens that remind me from alien of movie Alien. Though the size is easily compared to T-rex rather than those 3 meter xenos that can move around a space station.

Guess that will do for first post. I don't have a schedule to post things in here, but I'll try to update this when I have free time, or when I have to tell someone about my freaky dreams.